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| I got this in an email recently. It's a fairly negative representation of a Sailor's life, and it's funny too! I wanted to share it with people, and I think that this was the only venue that I could do it best with. I'm not sure what this means...
*How To
Simulate The Life Of A Sailor*
~ Buy a steel dumpster,
paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
~ Run all
the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
~ Repaint your
entire house every month.
~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across
the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
~ Raise
the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you
either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
~
Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
~ On Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays
tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be
allowed.
~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't
turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
~ Sleep on the
shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse
whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in
your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
~ Make your family qualify to
operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician,
etc.
~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle
loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she
reads it to you.
~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law
requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.
~ Empty all the
garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it
needs it or not.
~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month,
read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to
you.
~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.
~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your
family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an
hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and
just ask for hot dogs.
~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the
cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
~ Get up
every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale
bread. (midrats)
~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during
the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into
the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
~ Every week or so, throw your
dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members
on how fast they respond.
~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your
head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string.
Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up
the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
~ Place a
podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the
podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is
worst. January is a good time.
~ When there is a thunderstorm in your
area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until
you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt
pocket.
~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee
grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.
~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
~
Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the
end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At
the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled
because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week
before they can leave the house.
You know, I think another fitting name for this list could be, *Aspirations of my Adult Life*. If I could find some job or lifestyle that would allow me throw dogs into pool (whether I could test my family's reaction time with it or not) I would be set for a while.
Where do we go from here?
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| Ok, 15.
I was waiting to get 15 comments on my last post before I posted again. So, thanks to all those who contributed and also to the Gregorian Champ, I can now feel free to once again make my mark on cyber space.
So, whats goin on with me, you ask? Well, I was really hoping for tacos for supper tonight. Each week at camp, we have the same meals. Every Monday's lunch is sandwiches, every Friday's lunch is mini corndogs and sloppy joes, and etc. Well, you'd think I'd have it close to memorized by now what they're serving on Monday night, but I guess I forgot. We had spaghetti. It's pretty good spaghetti too, we have two sauces and a choice of meatballs and /(slash) or strips of chicken. And, it's not like tacos are even the best meal. I remember when I found out that it was taco night (on Tuesday night, btw) thinking in my head, "awe man, this meal is not one that I want to eat at this time." But, somethin in me really had me hankerin for some tortillas and meat and stuff. Ah well, I'll eat it tomorrow.
Oh, and speaking of tomorrow... I'm running a Nature's Game Show, which means I get to dress up like a scientist, slick down my hair, wear fake glasses and have an ambiguiously Eastern European accent. This is truely the best thing ever since they invented slice bread. It will be my first time running it without my co-host, so we'll see how it goes. I'll give you pictures soon. Until then, check out this tree, it's my new favorite. Sorry Aspen.
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| Dear Diary, Listen, um... sorry I haven't really said much lately. Theres not really any excuse. Don't think it's like I've found someone that I like better. You know you'll always be the one. It's just, well.. I've got this great thing goin on in Wisconsin. I mean I'm not saying it's better than you; you and it don't even compare. Ok, ok so I like what I'm donig here. I'd say that I love it. Why does that make you so jealous? I don't think it's really an issue of you and me. I'd like to think it's bigger than that. Whats that? You want me to choose. Don't make me make that choice. Listen.. listen, you know my heart, it's yours, you know that, but, this is just something that I gotta do now. And, you know what, you can walk through it with me. You'll be right there by my side, laughin with my laughter, cryin when I'm cryin.. all that jazz, you know? These may be tough times for us, and, I'm gonna just be blunt here, probably more so you than me... But, we're gonna see it through... cause thats what we do. We stand up when others tell us we can't and we throw all them "Nays" and "No-ways" right back in their face. We'll endure.
Anyways, heres what I've been doing: I got assigned to the Science Education Center. This means that I teach classes that have to deal with science to kids and others that come to Timber-Lee. Stuff like, animal talks, geology, nature hikes, physical world discovery, tree-identification, fishing, pond study, wolf pack, and a few other neato classes have been keepin me busy, busy. And/plus, I've been makin a bunch of friends. Theres 17 other folks in my program, 11 dudes and 7 chicks.. .and believe you me, you can really see how God brought each one of them (us) together and that we're all ment to be part of this program together. And, Ashley's here, you know her, right? She's one of the 7 chicks. She keeps me in check some of the times, and most of the time, she's there to laugh at my jokes so the others can tell that I really am funny.
So, when you throw in some gorgeous campground scenery, the most stars I've ever seen, the biggest skys you could imagine, the most dairy you could want, super sweet accents, and knowing that you're right where the Lord wants you to be, I must say, I sure do love it...
Is it home? Well, I wouldn't quite say that. But, you know, I just really fell like I must be at the age where home starts to seem like more of a place that can really change by the day and by the context than exactly where you are. We've got a sign that was left in our house by someone before we moved in that says, "Home Is Where the Heart Is." I don't know if thats entirely true, because I could say that my heart is with many people and in many places... but it kinda fits here, so I'm just gonna leave it up.
Anywho, thanks for listening to me unload a little. How've you been doin? You know, even though this may not be your season for an experience like mine, I hope you can still say that your experience is just what you needed. So, you gotta be asking yourself, whats next. Well, the Lord only knows, but I know when it comes we'll handle it, we'll see it through. We'll endure. Ok, ok... heres some pictures: 
Love, Andy | | |
| 
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you." | | |
| You guys are all coming to the Super-Awesome Going-Away Smileparty for Dudes and Chicks, right?
It'll be fun you guys. You can come and wish Elise, Ashley, and myself a good riddance. It's gonna start around 7 w/and/or/w/o rain. Come and bring yourself and your party pants. If thats not enough, you're welcome to bring a gift of thermal socks.
Oh, and PS: first ten people who bring a lightly colored tee shirt can have a party tee shirt transfer to apply at the party, and should you wish, wear at the party.
-Andy
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